Could I have saved her—? And thereby have saved myself? Knowing what I know doing what I do and all I’m good for is letting people slip through my fingers

To seek salvation I’m just spinning my wheels merry-go-round ‘til you puke your guts out

There are vast territories of my soul that are rotten decaying and gangrenous the first mistake irrevocable undeniable (she still lurks in the dark corners of my mind ready to waylay me in the most unlikely of moments) the second mistake all but inevitable then the third and the fourth until the count unwinds lose track of the digits the exponents approximating infinity

We whittle away day by day first a toe then a foot a leg then a thigh

Worm food maggot food the creepy crawlies close in my soul writhes but I fail to move

When was the biggest hit? when was the most damage wrought? as parts of my soul infarct bloodless then scarring each heart beat fraught with peril fraying like worn thread

We spin the hands of the clock and it’s all meaningless the Aprils and Mays come with false promise then summer comes to wither my dreams away should my heart just be still silent like ancient stone the numbness slowly turning into death with each grudging, painful breath

And even this is fleeting like trying to stop the speeding advance of a meteor come crashing to earth with nothing but a wish and a song

still the earth turns heedless as it crushes my bones trods upon my skull

like lashes from a whip blows from a billy club still I rise and forge on the yoke drags me along the furrowed tracks of time

This will end! sayeth I despite knowing all I’ve known the endless, trackless despair the neverending emptiness whirling around like a juggernaut becoming senseless paralyzed petrified still

oh for that final stillness bereft of all regret for that final silence and the comfort of oblivion